Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:09 Hey guys, welcome to the voice.
Speaker 1 00:00:11 Lauren and Sarah with episode seven. Okay. Lauren, have we addressed yet on the podcast? How funky all this new fancy sanitizer smells. Oh no, we haven't. And that's so funny. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, absolutely. It's disgusting. Well, it's weird. And there's like different textures too. Like some are more gel light actually thicker. And then someone has water either. Yes. And disgusting. And I'm like, where's the Purell smell. How have we not figured out yet how to like, make the smell good, because I literally want to vomit with half the hand sanitizer that I'm using now. And it's so funny. How so? I mean, of course there was a need, so they've made the supply so many brands, so much and so many new, new products I've never even heard of. And they all do smell. You're totally right. There's a weird, gross.
Speaker 1 00:00:59 They're just funky. Like I even tried to like come up with a description and there is no description. It's like the font of the 20, 20 hand sanitizer. The smell it's disgusting. Okay. Well, episode 70 Lauren, episode 70, that's big. That's a big number. I know, as we were like planning that out, I'm like, wow, we're really close to a hundred. I mean, that's still weeks away, but that's just crazy. We're on the up half here. Let's make the world. Let's hope the world doesn't crash before then. Let's hope we make it to episode a hundred days, big old party when that happens. Totally. Um, okay. Well, if you are new around here, we want to welcome you. And just to give you a brief overview, I'm Sarah and I'm Lauren. I know a lot of you out there kind of struggle with that. Some of you say that we sound the same, which I don't get at all.
Speaker 1 00:01:48 I don't either, I guess, defining who's who I get that. So tell them what you do. Every single show. I'm always the opening, um, of welcoming to the mom voice. And so, yeah, and I, I don't. And if you follow us on Instagram, Lauren is the curly more blonde one? Yes. Um, she has four kids twins in there. I'm the one who always closes the show. And I have like kind of an ombre hair style. I'm a little bit taller. I have three kids and I'm Sarah. So I know I always get cracked up every time I read that I crack up too, because I grew up in Texas. You grew up here and like, I think we sound so different. No, we don't. I don't know your accent's mostly gone, but it's once in a while we hear it come out. Oh. Used to be Savage to me about my accent. Do you remember negative way was like, I, do you remember how I said birthday? Oh, you say that word one more time? What is it? Birth day? You've come so far. Yeah. She used to say birthday, birthday, birthday Burt was at Burford bird, high birthday. Happy birthday. I'm just no, I'm scarred. Okay.
Speaker 2 00:03:00 I just, I had to fix that, but that was not an accent. They wasn't. I know there was a speech of <inaudible>
Speaker 1 00:03:07 Somehow my accent has gotten beat out of me in the past 15 years. It's sad. I've lived here. I know that. It's crazy anyway, but welcome to the mom voice. We are a podcast we're best friends, long time, best friends. And we're kind of all over the place here. Yeah. Some episodes are hot. Takes there, random spout offs about what's going on in the world. Some are more serious. Right? We have a more, um, not serious one, but a more mindful episode today that we're excited to put out. We did a lot of research on this one. Yes.
Speaker 2 00:03:43 Yeah, no, I think this is really exciting. Really helpful information.
Speaker 1 00:03:47 I really think so, too. And in preparation for the episode, we both read the book and that's big. Let's be real. Like Sarah's the reader now. Lauren is not. No, but I mean finding the time right now when I feel like there's just no structure, there's no alone time. Like all the stuff we actually carved out the time to kind of, well, when I say read, we listened to the book on audible. And um, the book we're talking about today is the five love languages of children. Yeah. By dr. Gary Chapman. So really quick before we get going, I just wanna invite all of you. If you are new around here, please go subscribe, please go do that. We have so much good content planned. We're really hustling. And we're really trying to like blow up the podcast. You guys blow it up. And so many people have been so sweet the past week they've shared us. And we can tell, and you guys virtual hugs out there.
Speaker 2 00:04:43 Absolutely. They know it means the world to us. Cause like it keeps us chugging along. I mean, like we say so many times it's such like a one-sided gig and we just hope people are out there that we hope that we're helpful. We hope we have a good time with you. And so when you give us some feedback and we know that it's like, so encouraging being totally real, it's a side hustle.
Speaker 1 00:05:05 We're not making anything off of this yet. Like we're trying to obviously like that would be the goal down the line dream. The dream is to like, keep this little thing going that we have here because we do feel like we have this like little magical community that we've built out with some of the listeners and it's so fun. And so yeah, we just, the whole point, we really appreciate all the shares because that really is the only way we will grow to be honest. So we really do appreciate it. So make sure you're subscribed. Okay. Love languages. Here's what we're language. Here's what we're talking about. In this episode, we are going to run down what they are, um, how we can apply them to being a better parent. Okay. Some of the pitfalls we might fall into when it comes to parenting and then how we can identify our children's love languages. Okay. Um, so those are kind of the main goals we want to talk about on the episode, obviously, throughout each of the love languages, we're going to try and talk about how parenting can apply and throw in some of our own stories there. But we want to really encourage you to go read the book,
Speaker 2 00:06:13 Right? Absolutely. I think you need to take this the time and carve it out for yourself too, because I think each family, each child is so different and it really takes a little bit of effort to kind of define each one. And so the book is super helpful and anything
Speaker 1 00:06:30 About what a five and a half hour, listen, if you're listening to it, it's actually a really short, but I do have the physical book. I just, I ordered it like a year and a half ago. I've had it sitting around and I've just literally never cracked it open. And then one day last week I was like sick in the bed. And I was like, I'm just going to listen to it. And literal like mind blown emojis going off where I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is, this is Kate. This is Landon. Like, did you feel the same? Oh,
Speaker 2 00:06:59 Absolutely. And I think, you know, we wanted to definitely highlight, we want this to be a hopeful and encouraging message. We don't want this to like beat you down and be like, cause I know even as I was reading it, I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing that. I am I too late. I need to do this. And I think the really, um, inspiring and exciting part about this, or these are things that you can, if you haven't, or you don't do, you can literally start doing tomorrow, almost start saying instant results from like, you know, effective ways to communicate with each one of your children. So I think that's really exciting. And then also I know a lot of our content can cut, sometimes relate to like the toddler years or even, you know, those little, those young years, this has really great resources for, I think really like seven, eight plus, and definitely into the teens. And so
Speaker 1 00:07:49 In your own marriage and right. And I'll go there of how kind of I was introduced to it. But yeah, I keep going book.
Speaker 2 00:07:54 No. Well, and I just because really your re we'll get into it, but it talks about how really four years old and younger are all of the languages, which is like good and bad, it's encouraging. And also, wow, that's a lot to take on, but then they really kind of define into their own, just like we do as like, yeah, adults and in our marriage, we have one or two that really speak to us and, and are your kids develop into that? And so that you can learn that and think of that.
Speaker 1 00:08:21 I know I love that too. And so we did want to just put that message up front that in no way, let this become a burdensome or like information overload episode, if anything, it's like, hopefully it will kind of spark some interest for you to go read the book. And if you feel like you hear something that maybe inspires you a little bit, I will say this out of all the parenting books, the blog posts, the methods, the methodologies that I have researched and read thus far. And just my seven years of parenting, this one makes the most practical sense to me. Like as I'm listening to it, it's like, Oh yeah. And it seems easy enough. Like if you're willing to just kind of literally just be mindful of it throughout, throughout your life. Right. Okay. So like a really brief background on the doctor who wrote the book. It's dr. Gary Chapman, he's famous for the five love languages. Yes. When did you first hear about that book
Speaker 2 00:09:17 Early in our marriage? I mean, I'm going to be married 12 years this year. And I think honestly, we probably bought the book like you're one or two
Speaker 1 00:09:26 A long time ago. I thought you had told me about it too. I never ever had read it. Even thought to look into it until like year seven of my marriage, we hit, I'm not even gonna say a rough patch, but it was like, we were in the thick of our children. We had just moved, we were renovating a house. Like there were just so many pressures on our marriage. We were just like stress. We had moved away from all of our friends and family. Like, do you remember this time? I do. And it came to a point where it was like, we were just so far apart and my husband actually came to me and he's like, I think we need to read this book. And so we started, we started reading it together and I was like, Oh my gosh, this makes so much sense. So literally for the past three years, I'm not kidding. I have this in the back of my head almost every single day.
Speaker 2 00:10:14 This is my way to get through to him. This is his language
Speaker 1 00:10:18 Or selfishly my love tank is not getting filled. Like he's not doing enough. He needs to be more mindful of me or he needs to blah, blah, blah. Like I almost use it as a weapon to speak my leg, which I shouldn't do. But like, it's so funny. We talk about our love tanks all the time. So let's talk about the love tank. The love tank is something that dr. Chapman talks about a lot throughout the books. What's the love tank. Lauren. How would you describe it?
Speaker 2 00:10:47 Like for our children? I think your love to filling their love tank is making sure that they are feeling seen and, um, loved and being, you know,
Speaker 1 00:10:56 That you're showing them their love language, essentially
Speaker 2 00:10:59 You're taking that effort to reach out to them and make them feel loved. Yeah. I feel like he references a lot through the book of like, um, stories of how they felt loved or seen. And, you know, it's usually an experience through their love language. And so just those efforts and doing, making those efforts in their love language so that they feel your love because I think that's
Speaker 1 00:11:23 Alright. Well you probably to know what I was going to say. Missional love how important that is. Oh my gosh. Yes. We have to talk about unconditional love, but I think what the love tank really quickly, I like to envision it as a literal tank. Yeah. Like almost like a fuel gauge. That's like going up and down constantly and you're, you have to constantly constantly be fueling that love tank
Speaker 2 00:11:45 Because it will empty out <inaudible>
Speaker 1 00:11:48 And when it gets low and depleted that's when things become irritable and frustrating and kids act out, adults act out all the things. Right. But when your love tank is full, you're feeling satisfied and you're feeling happy and you're willing to kind of let things slide that maybe you won't and you know, when your love tank is low. Right. Right. So I kind of like to think of the love tank as a literal tank. Yeah. Literally aside for sure. I think it helps with our children to kind of think of it that way too. Like, you know, putting pennies in the jar type thing. Like we kind of have the one bummer. I was going to say that I said to you off the air is the one bummer about this whole process is that you have individual tanks for each job,
Speaker 2 00:12:31 A lot of tanks to fill. Yeah. And it is, it is, it involves a lot of like, exactly like intention and, um, efforts because there's probably four or five different languages with just in your kids. And so it's, it's a lot to it gone. It can be
Speaker 1 00:12:49 A daunting idea, but I think as you read the book, and again, we want to encourage you to go read the book because there's so much more detail than we could ever say here on the podcast. But I think that as you read the book and as you think about it more it's small things though. Like it literally could be like five, if your child's love language is quality time, it could just be five minutes in the morning. Right. But it needs to be undivided zoned in quality time
Speaker 2 00:13:17 Could be, Hey, will you run to the grocery store with me and you and that child go to the store. If it's physical touch, it's literally a big hug before bed. Exactly. I mean, those types of things are really gonna go so far and really filled back up. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:13:31 It's all the tiny little things that just kind of add up. Um, another key theme throughout the book is unconditional love. Yes. Um, did that, what do you think about that? Like, did that surprise you? Did you catch yourself being like, Oh, I do that. Cause I did. Oh, I caught it
Speaker 2 00:13:50 Feeling like so guilty that there are times where I could make, even though of course there's always unconditional love, but by my behavior or things that I say, knowing the language they speak now could make them feel like they're that love is conditional. Like it has to be earned or I can, or I, I don't feel that way because I'm upset.
Speaker 1 00:14:12 Right. And so the main thing that he points out with the unconditional love is like, we know as parents that we love our children, no matter what, right? Like we gave birth to them. We, we are their parents. Like there's no deeper love, but are they feeling that love? Right. You know what I mean? Like do they
Speaker 2 00:14:31 Circumstantial? Like it has to be given and taken away. Can I mess up so bad? They're not going to like, feel that way tomorrow or this or that. And that you never want a chil child to feel that way. You want them to feel like we'll love you no matter what and you, and feel very safe. Exactly. Very, um, you know, wanted and always, and they're in knowing their love language. You can really narrow in on the specific things to do, to make them feel that way. Instead of just kind of not wasted efforts, everything's always like, but when you have like more of a challenging child, you want to be able to get through and fill that tank with really like intentional, purposeful things that are really going to impact them. Because like the example of, you know, there's two kids and you bring home a souvenir from the trip. One loves that and values that and appreciates that and shows it off. And the one's like cool. And it throws on the bed and never touches it again because they're not, that's not their love language. So you really have to narrow in on each kid to make it effective.
Speaker 1 00:15:28 Yes. So conditional, let me just really quick, give you an example of like what a conditional love statement would be. It would be like, Oh, I love you so much in that blue dress that you wear. I just love when you wear that blue dress, you look so beautiful in it. So it's not ever attaching like an object or anything they're doing or an action to a love statement or,
Speaker 2 00:15:51 But, uh, but yeah, like I love you, but when you do this, it really hurts me. Exactly. Cause then that feels very conditional.
Speaker 1 00:15:59 Love you. If you go clean your room right now and maybe it's not, I love you, but it would be like, Oh, I love just be so, so super proud of you if you would go, I, you know what I mean? It's like applying a condition to your love statement. And so it's an, I fall into that
Speaker 2 00:16:15 All the time. Yeah. I mean, I think every mom is guilty of that and not even realizing you don't realize the effect, those words have, but in a little child's mind, that's like still figuring it out. It's like, Oh, well the love me only if I do it that way. Or if I Oh, but they don't love me when I do that.
Speaker 1 00:16:33 Exactly. And again, the positive message here is just stop doing it. Yeah. There's no healing to be done. You're to change it tomorrow. A child knows that you love them. Like deep down, no matter how bad we have screwed it up so far, they know we love them. Point blank period. They do. It's just that we can do better. It can be better and we can be more mindful of it. And that's the positive message here is like, okay, cool. Yeah. Good idea. Now let's go forward and try not to fall into that pitfall anymore. I think of like, you know, the, the conditional love statements. And so I love that. Okay. Let's jump into, um, the types of different love languages. So just a high level, they are physical touch, um, words of affirmation, quality time receiving gifts and acts of service. They're the same ones as the adult ones. Right. For some reason I thought they would be different. Right. Isn't that interesting? I know. I guess
Speaker 2 00:17:39 We are who we are early on and through and through almost I really is like, people reach us the same way as maybe we were kids to me.
Speaker 1 00:17:46 I know it's so interesting. And he does say that we have one primary love language, but then we could also have like a secondary love language for myself. I'm still trying to figure mine out. I feel like I have three. I'm still trying to pick your mind out too. Cause I feel like what would be your main one? You know, it's hard. I go back and forth, but I think it's words of affirmation I really do because words mean a lot to me. They cut me deep and like, I will work myself to the bone just to hear good job. You did great. I will. And when I've worked really hard at something and I've tried real like, like cleaning, I cleaned my house yesterday, top to bottom worked literally seven hours on it to not hear words of affirmation. When my husband gets home, that hurts me because I'm looking for it. Do you know what I mean? So I would say that it's my number one, but then secondary, I am receiving gifts. I very much, um, and we'll talk about gifting, but I, I take value when I feel like somebody has thought of me and it can be down to the littlest thing of like dropping off a cookie or just any like when you brought me a little care package the other day, like that was like, Oh shit.
Speaker 3 00:19:08 He knows my love language, my love language. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:19:13 And then you're up. And then you said you followed up, they didn't have milk duds.
Speaker 3 00:19:17 You said that, remember? I know they did it. I was like, I don't have time to go to another store.
Speaker 1 00:19:22 Little things like that, where it does say, are you crying right now? No, I'm not my <inaudible>.
Speaker 3 00:19:29 I'm not there yet. She sees me. You guys. No, but literally
Speaker 1 00:19:36 It is little moments like that where I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is why she is my bestie. Like you do get me in so many ways, but I don't know. And then I think acts of service is like third and definitely physical touch and quality time are low on my list. Really. I see. I feel like quality time. I would say that you would see at the end, end of the day, it is words of affirmation too. Like, I feel like I want to be told, like, I just love you so much. You're so amazing. Um, but I think quality time is second. It's funny. Acts of service is so important to me too, because I do feel like Georgia does like a lot for me and my family and stuff, but I don't know if it's like, Oh no, I would say quality time language, because I think you carve out so much quality time for your family.
Speaker 1 00:20:21 And I would agree quality time. And dr. Chapman talks a lot about that about even for our children is how they show their love is often how they want to receive their love. Yeah. And I agree with that and I would kind of apply that to adults as well. Again, go read the book, but we'll talk more, um, at the end of the show about how to identify your child's love language, but that is one of them kind be aware, watch them and see how they show love to people. Um, okay. Let's, let's dive into each of the different love languages. Number one is physical touch. I thought it was important to mention here there have been. And I think we've all heard this countless countless studies done over the past few decades about the impact that touch has on infants and like, um, in orphanages and stuff where they've done studies of infants being held and nurtured and then who are like left in the crib. They've like watched them grow and develop. And they've seen literal studies of how the children grow and develop so much better and more stable when they've had a lot of good physical touch at an early age. And so I think that's like, well-documented we all know that love on the babies, the skin to skin at the hospital. I mean, did they do that with Tristan? Was that around back then? Yeah. Yeah. They did skin to skin with them. It was because I feel like it's kind of a relatively new ish. Yes.
Speaker 2 00:21:54 Well, because now they do, they don't even take the baby away from you for the first 24 hours. A lot of them don't bathe the baby for 24 hours. They want you to like be holding the baby and nursing the baby and with the baby for like 24 hours. Right. That was not in place when I had babies. Like they pretty much like shuffle them away, check 'em give them a bath and bring them back to how fresh and so clean. It's like, not like that anymore.
Speaker 1 00:22:17 Yeah. But I, yeah, you're right. When I had Luke, they did leave him. Cause I was like, when y'all go and give him a bath, I know
Speaker 2 00:22:23 Like, when are you going to go weigh him and stuff? Even with Caleb though, I can remember they waited a full day to weigh him and measure him and stuff. And I was like, what? Right. So it was just different, right?
Speaker 1 00:22:33 No, I love that. And um, anyway, and, and he talks a lot about like, so in those early like infant stages, it is all about like the skin to skin and the bonding and the touch is like, so I don't know. It is very easy for men to dads. Don't you think for babies, it's so easy and nonthreatening, he goes on to talk about as they grow older, it changes and so know for your boys, how would physical touch?
Speaker 2 00:23:03 No, it's funny because I literally, I'm not even kidding. Probably 10 days ago I was with bike. My neighbors and Tristan came up to me and he liked pinched the backside of my arm. And I swear he and I, I made a comment. I was like, stop doing that. And I, I go, I swear, you guys, he liked just picks my flabby areas and just wants to touch it. Did I tell you, were you there with this? I think it was my neighbors. Like I literally was sitting like this one time and he started flipping calf. Like <inaudible> when you cross your leg, like in a folded position, your capped his hand muscle and he's jiggling it and I'm like, can you just stop? He makes me feel so fat, like jiggling all my, the back of my arm, my back little wing and all that. And then when I'm reading this book, I'm realizing, Oh my gosh, he just wants to touch me. He wants to touch me because has he's grown older? I don't hug or touch him enough.
Speaker 1 00:23:56 Oh my gosh. I just had a light bulb moment. Do you know what I'm about to say about his bedtime anxiety about when he was a baby and what his Lovie was? Oh yes. Oh yes. Well, you're under like, like, yeah,
Speaker 2 00:24:08 Like a silky undershirt and he like loved to, it's funny because we just talked about that too. Ironically, because we were talking about,
Speaker 1 00:24:15 About how like the dog, Justin,
Speaker 2 00:24:18 I know the dog was like jumping in like a pile of towels and I would psych, Oh, don't you remember when chose to when used to jump in the pile of all the silkies and, and, and then he was like, yeah, I called it my knee. Oh, well, it's funny because actually with this too, I've mentioned before I think here and there, I've never delved a lot into it, but Triston, my oldest has a lot of like night anxiety. And sometimes I wonder if that's like a thing about feeling secure and feeling close. That's kind of can go into a diffuse different languages. But Tristan B my oldest being a 10 year old, I don't hug and love on him enough. And it was like a light bulb for me when I realized I, and it's ironic because I literally was like joking and laughing about it with friends that he always has to like pinch and touch. And it bugs me to be totally honest. I feel bad saying that, but it bugs me, but he's just trying to create in that light touch with me. And so I just need to go and like give him hugs more. And we were talking about even mess up his hair or, you know, grab his shoulder, even just like the slightest touch
Speaker 1 00:25:21 When they're, when they're showing up. It's it says like, so obviously when they're like young and three-ish and toddlers, like the cuddles and all the things, like get their blanket and like, you know, cuddle with them, all the things hug and kiss them, stroke, their hair, scratch their back. Like it can be the smallest little things of even like wrestling, like playing with them. That's considered physical touch. Like, as you get older, yes. Like getting down and like, or like high fiving, like anything where skin to skin is like touching. And I don't want to make that sound creepy, but like, they, they crave that and they love that. Or like a group hug is like the best, you know, or like a family. Hi, my Landon loves my Landon's a physical toucher and we do this thing where we put all hands in all five and it's one, two, three, and we go family. I don't know. He came up with it. So we've done it for like three years now, since he could barely talk, but he's my physical toucher. And as I'm reading the book, it's like group hugs, all that stuff. Like he just wants to touch the people he loves. And it's so fascinating. And I think,
Speaker 2 00:26:30 I think you also made a good point of like, making sure that dad gets in there too, because it's definitely expected for the mom to be the nurture and the toucher and all those things. Uh, but it's important for dad to get in there. Like if it's the wrestling, like he had that example of like, or tickling or tickling or just hugs, or like maybe letting them sit on dad's lap more like, cause as you get older, those things fade out and they do like, my husband's always holding Caleb and tickling him and all of it. But then you think, well, you don't really do that with the older boys anymore. And it just does go waste. You almost have to notice an effort. And let's be honest, almost all men, both slash boys there they're one of their languages, if not the language will be physical touch. Absolutely. Especially as they get older, as they get older, but even as like an adolescent, it's like a normal, healthy thing and keeping them, you know, not feeling that love,
Speaker 1 00:27:25 It might be a secondary one. Like I would say my husband's primary is quality time, secondary quality time or his physical touch. Yeah. And so, but it's like, so for those children that you identify as physical, touchers like when they're sick or when they're hurt, they want, they don't want you just to go into action mode. They want you down on their level. They want you touching it, kissing it, like attending to it. Do you know what I mean? And not just like trying to fix it super fast and like acts of service, like moving, moving, moving, you know what I mean? So I don't know. And the other thing I thought that was so important, you talking about the dads is I think in our society today, there's so many creepy people out there, right there really are. Right. There's so many news stories that I think men grown good, honest adult men now in the back of their heads kind of have this thing, this taboo thing, like, Oh, I don't know, like, you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1 00:28:22 Like, I need to be careful for that. That looks weird. Or I shouldn't be too affectionate with them or boy or girl, honestly, honestly. And so I feel like it's, but dr. Chapman have an addresses that like all children need physical touch. They all need it. And it does not even have to be hugs kisses. It can literally be arm around their neck. Hey dude, high five, like all the things with their daughter, hold hands every now and then, you know what I mean? Absolutely. But don't like, so if your husband kind of shies away from that, and I think I told you that, that my husband does it so well with my daughter, but not as well with my boys and I'm opposite. I'm so in with my voice and then I'm not with my daughter. Yeah. Oh no. So
Speaker 2 00:29:07 Maybe because I would say Emma, super affectionate wife and partner to George, but then it almost like involves some effort for my children, which is weird because I love them just the same, but I it's like, Oh wow. I've got to make a bigger effort to give them the hugs and you know yeah. Give the cuddles or the arm around the shoulder more.
Speaker 1 00:29:26 Well, I was just talking about this concept with my sister in law that I feel like it's one more one or the other. Yeah. I am naturally more affectionate physically with my children.
Speaker 2 00:29:37 Yes. Is that not? Oh yeah. You had said that too. No. Yeah. Like I, I guess one just somehow yeah. Comes we're natural ones in Baltimore.
Speaker 1 00:29:46 I don't love my husband more. I do like I have a bond with my husband. Again, it kind of goes back to that unconditionality. Yeah. I know he's there. And I know that if he doesn't get his met, his needs met, he will still be there. I really feel that way, even though I probably shouldn't, I, I kind of take him for granted in that way. Whereas with my children, I do feel like this want and a need to always be making sure they feel loved, you know, which is odd.
Speaker 2 00:30:16 I think with them going to school and you working and stuff, you probably want to make up for that time. And so you really,
Speaker 1 00:30:22 You know, yeah. I really do. There's a lot of mom guilt that goes into it
Speaker 2 00:30:25 For that. And that's, and you're doing the right thing there and you're, you're doing it so
Speaker 1 00:30:29 Well, I don't know if my husband would oftentimes he's like, Hey, I'm over here. Exactly. I know. I know. No, I'm kidding. Okay. Let's move into words of affirmation. Um, so you think we both are number one words of affirmation. That's big. I do think so, because do you think that's why we've never had a real fight is because we see so IDI on things ma yeah.
Speaker 2 00:30:53 Maybe because we know how hurtful words can be. Like, we just like not, we've never avoid why don't we ever think we avoid an issue, but I just, we're not a negative confrontational.
Speaker 1 00:31:04 We communicate really well. Yeah. I would agree. And I think, yeah,
Speaker 2 00:31:07 We know each other so well too, that we know how to handle any sort of like good or bad. And I would say the same. I think maybe that's why George and I get into the fights we do, because my word words of information. Cause he can, I think we just can get heated fast. And the words mean a lot when he doesn't realize
Speaker 1 00:31:28 Well, dr. Chapman a direct quote that I have from him that I just had to say on here is he says, words are powerful. You can kill a child or give them life, by the way you speak to them. And I was like, Whoa, Whoa. It's like, yeah, kill them or give them life. And coming from someone who had their, I am a word of affirmation person. I feel so grateful that I feel like my parents naturally did that for me. Um, obviously love languages was not a thing 30 years ago, but I feel like they were always like giving me that reassurance and that confidence in like building me up. And I I'm like, yeah, I'm beyond grateful for that. Okay. So he dives in, I want to talk about it really quiet and words of affirmation. He kind of breaks it down a little bit more into like specific categories.
Speaker 1 00:32:19 So he talks about there's words of affection. And what that means is like, you're trying to focus on who the child is. So, you know, you're saying like their personality, their appearance, how much you value them, things like that. So those are like words of affection, like, Oh, I, your beautiful blue. I just love your eyes. Your eyes are the most beautiful thing ever, you know, whatever. Then you have words of praise. Okay. And those are words that focus on the child's effort and so very different. That's where parents and this, this section I found really interesting because I do think that a lot of us can fall into the pitfalls of trying to motivate our child. And actually we're doing damage at the same time. So he goes into this whole long thing about how, for example, if your child is mowing the grass and he, his primary love language is words of affirmation.
Speaker 1 00:33:16 If he gets done mowing the grass, and the first thing you say is, Oh, you forgot to go edge it over there. Or, Oh, you didn't get under the trees, go get under the trees. What the child hears is. I'm never going to be good enough. You know what I mean? Instead of saying, Oh my gosh, good job. I can't believe like you mowed the whole yard. Right? Like you drop it right there. And you don't address at that time, what they didn't do. Right. You take it the next time that they go to mow the yard to then teach them and say, okay, you did so good last time. But this time I want you to get under the trees and I want you to edge the yard. Do you know what I mean? Right. So he's kind of saying when you're trying to like motivate them and like address or their efforts that they do, whether it's basketball or, or, you know, so let's say a basketball game the first time your kid makes a freak, uh, what is it called?
Speaker 1 00:34:09 The free points. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It makes every point. If the first game, if, if after the first game, you know, you do give them a high five, whatever, but the first words out of your mouth are, Oh, you miss that. You miss that three pointer, dude, you could have had that instead of praising the child, you made your free-throws. Oh my gosh, don't talk about the negative. Do you know what I'm saying? So that's what I mean, go read the book because you're going to understand if your child is a words of affirmation person. And when, when we see them in their actions and their efforts that they're doing, don't fall into the pitfall. When you're trying, you know what you're trying to do, you're trying to motivate them. You're trying to be like, dude, I know you can make the three pointer. I know you can go cut the grass. Right. But that's not the time to teach it. You want to like give them that affirmation that they need before you have the teaching moment.
Speaker 2 00:35:03 Don't you think even, I mean, I know this will probably be specific to some children, but don't you think that applies to like all children too? Like, I feel like it's a great approach. Should just any sort of criticism, like just making sure that you're like the positive reinforcement and reinforcement first and then like kind of slight in the critique or criticism later, I think would be. I think it's so smart. I mean, and it's so easy for us to just narrow in on the negative and especially if they're bugging us and they're just, it it's like you didn't it. Right? Go try it again. Come on. Like I asked you to do this an hour ago. It's easy for me to go that way.
Speaker 1 00:35:42 Oh, me too. So fast. Me too. But the point here or the important thing to remember here is it's going to affect the child way more, who his primary love language is words of affirmation. Totally. So if you do that to say Triston, his is not words of affirmation. Let's say, I don't know. Maybe it is or I'll use one of my children. Let's say Luke, I don't know, Luke. I don't know what he is yet. But if I were to say something like that to Luke, he would not care at all. Whereas if I said to Kate, Oh my God. After a dance, I saw her doing a dance like, Oh, you didn't nail your double girl. You could've done that. But it looked so good. You guys were awesome. All she's going to hear is, I didn't know my devil, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 00:36:23 Totally. So it's like, because she takes words so powerful. Yes. It's like you have something that you're totally right with every child, but like give yourself a break or just try and be really aware of it with the children. Yes. Who really care about it. You know what I mean? Yes. Because yeah. That's exhausting trying to like always be, I know, like, yeah, right. Yeah. So true. Oh my gosh. But like, or at least I feel like that's how I'm going to kind of approach it is like, okay, I'm going to identify this child as that. And I'm going to try and really good to discuss the on point with that one. You know? Totally that third one under words of affirmation, I want to mention really quick is words of encouragement. So he's just saying here, you can just give them a lot of really good feedback when you catch them doing something good and that will fill their love tank really quick.
Speaker 1 00:37:16 Like, Oh my gosh, I saw how you helped Devy up yesterday when she fell down. That was so sweet of you. Thanks so much for helping me out. That was awesome. Those are words of encouragement. You know what I mean? Totally. Or if Luke shared a toy Lukey, I saw how you shared your toy with your cousin. That was so awesome. Good job buddy. Like that's filling his love tank. So in the Titanic you can kind of catch them in an act doing good, which we've heard that all along, trying positive reinforce that falls under the words of affirmation is like those words of encouragement. Okay. And then what's the third one quality time. Uh, and you think that's, you're trusted
Speaker 2 00:37:57 Is that that's that's right. Yeah. Triston is always eager to have fun. So he's always like up to do stuff, but be like, it's funny how he will be like, Hey dad, can we work on the dirt bike? Hey mom, can we do a movie tonight? Hey, you know, and so part of that is him like just always a busy body and wanting to be go, go, go. But I have to tie that to that's where he feels fulfilled and loved and he's excited and he's asking to do it. And so, um, I mean, it's got to be
Speaker 1 00:38:30 Super interesting. And so dr. Chapman kind of describes quality time. The most obviously it's self explanatory, but he says the most important thing here is it does not matter what you're doing. You just have to be, undecidedly attentive to that child totally tuned in, off your phone. And it doesn't even have to be for that long of a time period. And so he even says like going to the grocery store, like, and you had mentioned that before we hit the, hit the button to go like record, like yeah. It could be even that simple. Right. You know, it's like doing a chore together. Right. Um, I mean, can you think of any other ways off the top of your head that you could like spend quality time?
Speaker 2 00:39:14 I mean, it talked about how, like you will carve out like a date time or time, a lunch with a friend and you'll carve that time out. And so I it's, like he said, you know, why would you not pencil in a specific time for your child and prioritize that? And I agree with that. Like sometimes life gets really busy. And so maybe if you want to have a special hour date with a child per week, or once a week, you pick a kid and they get to pick something and it doesn't have to be an expensive outfit. Like you said, it could be, Hey, let's go for a walk together, a bike ride together. Let's read your book together. Or maybe it is something more special. I do think a lot of times too, what Shawnee said in one of her past episodes on, you know, pulling a kid out of school for lunch once a week and checking in with them and having a time to catch up and focus on just them.
Speaker 1 00:40:05 I loved that. Totally. Yes. I do think like he gave so many good examples in the book again, please go read it that I just want to kind of give you an example here. And this is a very often occurrence at my house. So for example, if I am working from home on a day, I will set up my laptop at the kitchen table where I can kind of see all the goings on of the house. And for example, if I'm running a report, that'll take me 20 minutes. I'm zoned in on the computer. I'm trying to get something done. Kate will come up and say, mom, I want to show you something in my room. No, I can't do that right now. Okay. I I'm busy. I can't do that right now. And then she'll go, mom, can we go get a soda? No.
Speaker 1 00:40:46 Okay. After I get my report done, we'll do it after I, that mom let's go do makeup together. Okay. I've got to get my report done. Like please leave me alone. That is Kate begging for quality time. Yes. And she does it constantly. And so I know that's like ways I trigger in my head. Okay. She's a quality timer. And like I said, words of affirmation, the point he makes in the book is when you see your children, literally begging for it like this, wouldn't it be so much easier to, if you know, you have something that you need to do like me, a 30 minute rapport, I need to zone in on work, take five minutes and divided, go sit down and do something with her and go focus on her, read a book, do some makeup together. Do her hair, fill her love, tank up a little bit. And then she won't bother you. She'll be good. Yeah, she'll be fine. And when he was saying that, I was like, Oh my gosh. Yes. Like how many times have I been in this situation?
Speaker 2 00:41:45 Almost like, yeah. And it's a problem solved just by a few minute effort. Yeah. And just even, yeah. Oh, to watch that. And I think it's so easy,
Speaker 1 00:41:54 Easy when they're small. Like when they're, when they're little and it's literally like, you're on the ground, you're rolling. The ball like quality time is like, I mean all the time, you know, when you're raising littles. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:42:06 Well, I have to be so present. Like you don't want them to dock on a penny or something, you know, it's like, you have to be so present, but then as they get older, it's so easy to be like, go entertain yourself, go do your thing. It's easier not to play the games or be on the floor with them. And you have to just again be so like make the effort.
Speaker 1 00:42:28 And haven't you found that as they start school and extracurriculars, it just naturally the time starts slipping away. Yes. And it's sad. Totally. I mean, I'll be honest there's days where I'm like, Oh girl, you're bugging me, like go back to school. But I mean, I had that day yesterday, I'm going to be real. But at the same time, when I think about it, I'm like, man, it did used to be really easy.
Speaker 2 00:42:51 Well, and it's, and it is just such limited years. Like it is like, we've all we say that over and over again. But really as just a chapter of time where they're begging you for your time soon, we'll be begging them for their time because they're too cool for us and stuff. But no, it is sad. Like when they just get to be like, we were just talking about this, my brother in law and they just want to go up to the family cabin up North for the weekend. But their friends, they just want to be in town for the holiday, with their friends and dah, dah, dah, dah. And it's like, they're over it. You know, they they're moved on. They're got girlfriends and they want to go to the football games. They want to be with friends and it will change faster than we know it. And it's crazy. So I know it is like such a funny thing to recognize you get busy, you want to get your stuff done. But then at the same time, it's such like a window.
Speaker 1 00:43:39 It is. And another point that dr. Chapman makes is as they get older, you have to go to them. Okay. So he kind of in something I was reading, I don't even know if this examples in the book, but he talks about how his son was really into Bruce Springsteen. He didn't care about Bruce, but he knew his son loved Bruce. So they went to the hometown of Bruce. Anyway, his whole point is you got to go to them, you got to find their interest and you cannot draw a line in the sand and be like, that's stupid. You waste your time on that, blah, blah, blah, whatever, if they're all wrapped into whatever it is, I don't know, coding computers, whatever, find an interest in it, fake it just to be with your child and just to spend quality time that they'll want to be there with you.
Speaker 1 00:44:26 And that you guys can have that bonding experience. They'll thank you for it. You know what I mean? Right. So I thought that was super like interesting. The other thing that he talks a lot about during quality time is quality conversation. And this really applies to the older children is he talks about just finding ways or not missing opportunities to have quality conversation with your children. So for example, if, if your child is a quality timer, they just want to be heard. They want to talk. They want you to listen again, it goes back to that end, divided time. So ask probing questions, right? Ask them what they're thinking. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:45:07 Amber, I, I had a counselor when she talked to me about how you need to have seven minutes of yeah. Conversation. I don't remember this, your child and, and look into their eyes. Oh, that's hard. Yeah. Look into their eyes while they're talking. And like, so, and there's some sort of like connection thing that happens where it is probably filling up that love tank and listening to what they're saying and asking the questions and do it for a full seven minutes. That's a long time. And then also hug for at least, Oh, I should've mentioned this back in physical touch hug. I forget like how long it was, but the hug for at least 90 seconds or something, because then as well, it sends to like the brainwaves to being like, this is yeah. Filling my tank that this touch I'm touching and hugging. I'm getting that I'm loved. Oh my God. It's like filling. So even like how long you do it, I guess it has like a real effect on like your brain. So
Speaker 1 00:46:02 Interesting. Yeah. And you can even find like the smallest opportunities. Like if you guys are just watching TV together, if you have an older kid and a commercial comes on, be like, Oh my gosh, that reminds me of the time we went to the beach and, and we were, we were boogie boarding. Can you believe dad did that? And like, just start a story and get them talking and just like start conversating, you know, try not to miss those opportunities. I totally what the doctor's trained is. And then the other thing under the last thing I'll say on your quality conversation is that even with your younger ones, so your babies and your toddlers, the best thing that you can do there is storytelling and like reading books and telling them stories and just making them up. And again, they just want your attention. And when you're telling them some wild story about the princess or whatever, they just love that they do soak it up and they'll remember it. Yes. Kayla Bass for that a lot actually. Oh, Kayla, I love that. Okay. Well we're already, um, almost 50 minutes in, at our time. We're going to crazy break this up into two parts. So let's wrap up really quick this episode with a hit and miss. Okay. And then we'll do another part too, to finish off the love languages. What's your hit for the week? I just thought I'd follow up with my,
Speaker 2 00:47:22 You hit on. I mentioned it on Instagram this week. We have been on the hunt for really weeks months now for a switch and Nintendo switch. And I had mentioned this app just really quick. My sister, my sister told me about it and I thought it was great. It's called hot stock. And so you can just enter in anything that you might be looking for. I mean, I don't even know come Christmas time or whatever, but, or right now, Corona, I guess there really are shortages of, for lots of random things, but it just like notifies you as soon as they're in stock, is it free? Yeah, it's totally free. And so it was just perfect. I really wanted a switch for his birthday and his birthday is still about a month away, but I was just like, dang, I'm going to have to find this now or it's not going to happen.
Speaker 2 00:48:05 Totally. And so, um, best buy. They notified me and we ordered it and we got it. And he was like, over the moon, he's been obsessed for two days. I gave it to him now because it's like, why not? Why not? It's like the whole year is shot to hell. Yeah, totally. I mean, he knew it was coming. He knew, we found it like he was waiting by the window all day for it practically. So I was just like, okay. And that's a big birthday present. Don't get me wrong. It totally is. We do not normally go that full-out he saved up from near half of it too. So it was like, okay, you save and we'll get it. And it will be your birthday present. So I love it. He was really excited, but it's a great app. Check it out. And we just, so
Speaker 1 00:48:43 I had to finally say it one more time. Hot stock, hot stock. S T O C K stock. Yes. Okay. Well, my hit for the week. This might shock you if you're an avid listener, but for the past two and a half weeks, I have reduced my diet Coke intake to 24 ounces a day.
Speaker 2 00:49:02 Yeah. You've said that today. And I'm like mad, impressed,
Speaker 1 00:49:05 Shocking, like so impressive. Here's the other part. And Jeremy turn it off right now because this is going to bite me in the butt that this is recorded on the podcast. Yes. But it's totally helped my sleep Lauren. Oh really? I cannot believe how much better I'm sleeping at night. Really? Really? I went to sleep last night without melatonin, without anything for the first time. I don't even know how long I'm not even kidding.
Speaker 2 00:49:36 Oh my gosh. No, you didn't say that. That's crazy.
Speaker 1 00:49:39 No, I knew. I didn't tell you that today. Cause I wanted your genuine reaction, but my mind's kind of blown that all this time. My husband's been right for 10 years and let me say it now. I might change my mind on this. Okay. I might give up the sleep to take the diet Coke down the road, but it, it has I'm I'm shocked. And I hate to admit it. That is while the other thing, and I should say this, I've cut it off by 2:00 PM every day. So I don't drink any caffeine after 2:00 PM. Do you feel like you're dragging tires? Not at all because it's freaking one 15 here in Arizona. Let's be real. It's so hot. I mean temperature. It's like one 10 outside. Yeah. What do you mean? One or two? Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. Right? My body craves water in the summer here. And so I feel like I'm constantly drinking water. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know. So come, come winter. This will probably be a different deal, but that's a hit for me. That's huge. Good for you for sure. Um, okay. What's your miss?
Speaker 2 00:50:38 My, my MIS it's funny because George ran over to help Sarah with something last night. And he was like, I know, I know. And he was, and he was unloading the groceries for her. Cause he, she just pulled up and whatever. And so I guess he got a whiff and a good look at her car. Really fast. Mind you, we build up the Tahoe. Remember? And so he comes home and he is, um, it's not typical. He goes to her house.
Speaker 1 00:51:03 No, no weird. But he had to run over for that.
Speaker 2 00:51:05 He came inside and he had to pull my car in. Cause it was whatever at, not in the garage. So he pulls it in and he's just like comes in. So cranky and crazy. Oh my gosh, your car, it stinks. It's messy. Oh my gosh. Sarah's car still smells brand new. I blah, blah. I'm like, how would you know that? Well, I was helping her tonight. She said smelled brand new. And it looked really good. And look at your car. You don't even care. You don't even take care of it. And I was like, Oh my gosh, mind you come to find out today. Sarah paid for a $50 car wash on Monday. And I'm like, George. No, but like I,
Speaker 1 00:51:40 Yes, I need to speak to that really quick. Literally we went to a quick staycation last weekend, there was a bomb that went off in my car coming back. I told you there were sucker stuck on the seats. There was yogurt in the seats. It was disgusting. And I did, I paid 50, 60 freaking dollars to have somebody like clean it. So he caught it literally right off. There
Speaker 2 00:52:00 Is so funny. Well, and yes, every mom deserves a good deep clean in there, man. And I, but you caught hell for me. Yes. And you know, I mean, I literally could vacuum it out and throw out all the trash and toys two days before, two days later, it's it's a wreck again.
Speaker 1 00:52:16 Worse. And do you feel like, I feel like in school, mine's worse. Do you feel like it's been worse or better now that school's been out? Oh,
Speaker 2 00:52:23 I don't know. I don't know. Probably about the same. I feel like we're not in the car as much. I will say that. I feel like we're not all five in the car going somewhere. Well with dad's six, but like I'm not lugging kids around as much. So we're not like going places as much. So there's not as much crap, but I don't know. It's still like without fail, we go one place and one person takes her shoes off. One person unwrap something. One person puts their, you know, like takes off their clothes. Like it's the weirdest thing. I'm like, what is happening back here? It's like, okay, it's a disaster again.
Speaker 1 00:52:56 Oh my gosh. It's such a light mom truth for all of us. We're all. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:53:00 It's the never ending bad.
Speaker 1 00:53:02 We're all on the struggle bus right there with you. Trust me. Um, okay. Well, my miss for the week is Ann. I kid you not, I'm not exaggerating Lauren at this point at this juncture Thursday night, my children have not showered. I'm not kidding. Since Sunday night. That's a good one. I kid you not. And I'm like, and I I'm just don't even care anymore. Well, binds you here in Arizona. You're in the pool almost every single day. And so that is a lot of it. We just kind of like, Oh, they cleaned off, but I can remember recording an episode last year where I was so disgusted. My children not showering after getting in the pool. I'm just so over it now really were you? Oh yeah. I'm like, whatever, because Kate's hair gets crunchy. The green starts to show up like all the stuff in Landon's.
Speaker 1 00:53:53 And I literally said to her before I left, I'm like, you need to go get in the shower. It's just disgusting at this point. It's funny how it like takes a conscious effort. Now, like in ed, he gets quarantined summer. All of it combined, but here too at our house, it's like last night, the three littles took a bath and I don't even know the last time. The last time we did that. Yeah. It was like wild. I was like, Oh, is it a fight in your house to get them in the shower? Or the bath?
Speaker 0 00:54:21 To be honest,
Speaker 1 00:54:22 Mostly not, but literally I'm I I'm with you. It really hasn't happened that much. So it's like, I don't even know. Oh, I feel like it's kind of a battle. They're like, Oh, I don't want like there I get cold and make it out or I'm hot or no. Right.
Speaker 0 00:54:37 She's got a bad. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:54:39 Anyway, so that's me. That's a good one. That's a good one. It's a real one. Okay guys. Well, we're going to do a part two for yeah. Love languages. So make sure and tune in. If you enjoyed this episode, please go leave us a rating and a review. And please, please share us with your friends, your family on social media. You can find us on Instagram at the mom voice podcast. We are there throughout the week and we share a lot about our families and ourselves. Maybe a little too much. Yes, yes and no. That's true. Um, but yeah, and we are back every Monday. Yes. So come on back. Thank you so much and take care of
Speaker 0 00:55:15 Bye. Bye.
